For the past couple of months, I have been relatively stable, "stably unstable" if you will. My mood swings are still here but they aren't as drastic, well as far as I can see anyway, and I am getting better at controlling impulses particularly in regards to spendings. I am currently on 800mg Priadel (Lithium) and my blood level has remained consistent so that I now only need my bloods done monthly as opposed to weekly. In addition to this, I take 40mg of Propanolol for my anxiety and heart rate, a couple of different laxatives and 350mg of Biquelle XL (Quetiapine).
I take my Quetiapine at night time as it is a mood stabiliser that has a sedating effect. The sedation that comes with Quetiapine is completely immobilising. In the beginning, I started on a lower dose and gradually worked my way up as I began getting used to it and it was no longer helping me sleep. At the start when I feel the medication starting to work, it was completely immobilising, it literally felt like I couldn't move my limbs or have the energy to open my mouth to speak properly. To an extent, this is still the same, but I now know the signs to go to bed before I get to this point. The main problem is waking up - I can't wake up to alarms, to people trying to wake me - I just had to sleep until I naturally wake up. Once I do wake up it takes around 1-2 hours for me to actually "wake up" and be with it. This is something I really don't like - I know without a doubt in my mind I need a sedative to sleep, and probably an additional mood stabiliser to Lithium BUT I don't like the loss of control I have when I take Quetiapine.
As I have been feeling more stable, I have had more time back in my own home with my children, which feels amazing and feels familiar and normal and for a second makes me forget I'm not sick. But then there is the issue where I can't take Quetiapine when my children stay with me in our home, otherwise, I wouldn't wake up if they needed me.
Due to all of this, I decided to make an appointment with my Consultant Psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of coming off the Quetiapine, I've been feeling more better than worse, I want to be at home with my children full time again, I want to keep busy, I want to be back at work, I want to be back to university, I have positive plans for my future - I don't want this medication to be a part of that. So, he reviewed my medication, told me I seemed a lot brighter and better the last time I had seen him and then I made my request for the Quetiapine to be stopped. If I'm honest I did think he would say yes - but he didn't, he said no. I think since the beginning of this all that was the most crushing thing - I was feeling better so why not?! I was told that I need to be stable - or have this mood continue for 6 months before anyone would even consider starting to reduce the dose, so we made a compromise that after 3 months of stability the dose will be reviewed in the hope of starting to reduce to wean off.
I suppose this blog post is really about 'getting better' - if you are suffering from something like Bipolar disorder or if you are close to someone, there isn't a way to fast-track to being stable or being better. It's a long and drawn out process which sometimes includes what appear to be steps backwards to move forward. I am at a point where I am sick of being sick, I want my normal life back - even though that life wasn't normal. Sometimes I forget I am still unwell and I take for granted stable periods without thinking that these periods of stability aren't promised. I have to consider that this time next week I could be in a manic phase or a depressive phase which makes things hard to plan.
Impulsivity, intense excitement, change and a need for new plans is innate in Bipolar Disorder and I have made some amazing plans for the future lately, and I can nearly physically see my future life and this is something that is incredibly positive because now I can see a future but mixed with the symptoms of hypomania/mania and my personality type can make it feel like a lifetime away and can become very frustrating. So, I have been learning, on my own, to be excited about the future but not let it frustrate me. Take everything a day at a time, knowing that every single day that passes is another day closer to the future that I want and another day closer to being stable, and not just "stably unstable".
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