Tonight I'm dedicating my blog to Fra - who has from day one shown me more support, love and acceptance than I could ever have wished for. He appeared into my life out of nowhere at a time I wasn't planning or expecting to be starting a new relationship. The time prior to us meeting was probably the most out of control my moods had been in the past 9-10 years. I'm not normally one who believes in fate, but this certainly felt like it.
Anyone who knows me personally knows that the two long term relationships I have had haven't been particularly healthy. My last relationship, in particular, spanned over 5 years and was extremely difficult for many reasons and my mental health was part of that. With that having ended I tried the whole online thing then ended up having a drastic drop in mood towards the end of April/start of May, the outcome of which was lots of phone calls to the Doctor and lots of anti-anxiety medications and increases of anti-depressants.
Fast forward to July and I was feeling great this feeling great and inflated self-confidence was probably the first time I look back and realise I was in the throes of mania - this consisted of two nipple piercings and 3 tattoos inside the space of two weeks, but I'm so glad now that I had that inflated confidence. I work in a pharmacy and there was a guy this came in to deliver pharmaceuticals. Every time I saw him my stomach did a little flip and I would say to everyone "Look at how blue his eyes are, they are unreal", "look how tall he is", "look how nice his beard is". Eventually, I said to a guy in work - "Find out his name and I'll give you a Kinder Bueno." So, he found out his name and added in that I had been pining over him. So this guy, that I now knew was called Fra, came back in delivering meds and once again one of the girls said to him "it's her down there". So the weekend passed and I thought "I need to speak to him". On Monday 16th July I went out to put a new ticket on my car and he was outside, I thought if he is still there when I'm walking back I HAVE to speak to him. He was still there - so completely unlike me, I started talking to him and apologised for my colleagues and asked for his number. This was a massive deal for me - I have never asked for someone's number on a night out, let alone in the middle of the day on a Monday while at work but it felt like I had to. We arranged our first date for the 21st of July. I am a very open person about my mental illness and laid everything out on the table at the very start and that was okay. After the first date that was it - since then we have spent every weekend (and a couple of weeknights) together. Although I hadn't been diagnosed at this point, it had been mentioned at GP appointments if that Bipolar Disorder may be a possibility. During this very early point of our relationship. I experience The Beauty - the complete intensity and brightness of feelings of excitement, happiness, joy and amazement at this unbelievable person that somehow ended up in my life.
About a month later I introduced my children to Fra. I always had in my head that I would wait longer, but it felt right, I knew this wasn't just going to fizzle away - I don't know how I knew but I just did. My children are pretty full on, extremely energetic and have no filter whatsoever but everyone got on and we had a great time all together. Since then it has been a pleasure to see my children be excited to see Fra and enjoy spending time with him.
At the start of August, I was referred back to the Mental Health team and started the mood diary for Bipolar Disorder. Having not fully completed the diary I had to do another one over the month of September. Throughout all this, Fra remained supportive, loving and just utterly amazing. The more and more our relationship grew the more I felt true support and true acceptance. I fully admit that I am a bit odd, weird, eccentric and I have often been scared to be 100% myself - but with Fra, I can be. For someone who has been mistreated and taken advantage of in the past, this is something I'm having to learn how to come to terms with. I never before thought someone would accept me for the way I am - especially when in the past some parts of my personality and mental health have been problems, been exploited or allowed me to be taken advantage of.
So then came the diagnosis in October, myself and Fra had already talked about this and it was no big surprise when the diagnosis Type 2 Bipolar Disorder was given. I decided on Lithium treatment and before I even had a chance to Google Lithium - Fra had it already done. I have never had someone, outside of my incredibly supportive family i.e. my mummy, take such an interest or show so much care into my treatment. I have to be honest, it was very strange having someone care that much. It still baffles me. Throughout all of the medication changes, Fra has always been interested in what new medication I'm taking, what it's for and if it is working. When my Lithium went toxic he sat by my side, brought me fluffy socks and chocolate in the middle of the night, made me laugh and took awful pictures and videos of me while I slept.
When my mood is low there are times when I feel like a burden, or that I might not be good enough or deserve someone else's love - but I'm always reminded that I am. When I'm manic Fra lets me rant on about crazy plans and doesn't discourage or judge me on my ramblings or 'big ideas'. I don't think the past 4 months would have passed so smoothly without knowing I have the support that I do from Fra. Not only with the actual disorder, but the encouragement and reassurance, particularly with me in regards to my children and starting to drive again. To hear from someone that they can see a change and that they are proud of you is more powerful than any medication - it gives me more determination to get to a place where I am 'well'.
I never thought I would find someone who would push me in the right direction, make me feel like a princess and accept me in spite of my problems or what I deemed as baggage but I did and I think I'm still in shock. Whether you are on your own, starting a new relationship or in a long-standing relationship - disclosing the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder or any mental disorder can be daunting and scary. I have now seen both sides of the coin, the good and the bad. If I could give anyone, any type of useful advice it would be don't ever let anyone take advantage of your illness or use it against you. Don't ever let anyone call you nasty names or make you feel like less of a person because you are unwell. Don't let someone take advantage of your illness. Surround yourself with people who accept you as you, who embrace the person you are through the good and the bad. In doing that you can ensure your condition doesn't deteriorate, that's not to say there won't ever be a horrible depressive episode again - but with the right support, it's easy to brave The Beast.
So, Fra - Thank you for all the support you have given me and continue to give me. Thank you for embracing everything that has come your way via me and my issues. Thank you for accepting me and all the weirdness that comes with me. Thank you for accepting my children even though they are completely bananas. Thank you for looking past my diagnosis and seeing me for who I am, flaws and all. Thank you for making me feel loved, safe and secure. Thank you for taking pictures. Thank you for supporting my treatment and recovery. Thank you for giving me hope for a happy future. Thank you for all of the happy, fun and exciting memories so far. Thank you for fitting so effortlessly into my family. Thank you for being you.
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