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There's no fast-track to stability

For the past couple of months, I have been relatively stable, "stably unstable" if you will. My mood swings are still here but they aren't as drastic, well as far as I can see anyway, and I am getting better at controlling impulses particularly in regards to spendings.  I am currently on 800mg Priadel (Lithium) and my blood level has remained consistent so that I now only need my bloods done monthly as opposed to weekly. In addition to this, I take 40mg of Propanolol for my anxiety and heart rate, a couple of different laxatives and 350mg of Biquelle XL (Quetiapine).  I take my Quetiapine at night time as it is a mood stabiliser that has a sedating effect.  The sedation that comes with Quetiapine is completely immobilising.  In the beginning, I started on a lower dose and gradually worked my way up as I began getting used to it and it was no longer helping me sleep. At the start when I feel the medication starting to work, it was completely immobilising, it l...
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Finding Love, Then Finding Out I'm Bipolar

Tonight I'm dedicating my blog to Fra - who has from day one shown me more support, love and acceptance than I could ever have wished for.  He appeared into my life out of nowhere at a time I wasn't planning or expecting to be starting a new relationship.  The time prior to us meeting was probably the most out of control my moods had been in the past 9-10 years.  I'm not normally one who believes in fate, but this certainly felt like it. Anyone who knows me personally knows that the two long term relationships I have had haven't been particularly healthy.  My last relationship, in particular, spanned over 5 years and was extremely difficult for many reasons and my mental health was part of that.  With that having ended I tried the whole online thing then ended up having a drastic drop in mood towards the end of April/start of May, the outcome of which was lots of phone calls to the Doctor and lots of anti-anxiety medications and increases of anti-depressa...
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Being Bipolar and Being a Mummy

I have always wanted children, always.  After losing my first baby at 17 part of me thought that it would never happen.  I was 18 when I fell pregnant with Lily and I was excited and overwhelmed and scared.  I came off my medication, I stopped self-harming and my pregnancy flew along and my little ray of hope was born.    I couldn't have hoped or wished for a more perfect little girl. I couldn't believe she was mine and I couldn't believe that I was responsible for shaping and bringing up this little fragile but full of life person. Three years later my beautiful boy was born after a difficult and painful pregnancy he restored my hope; I had my beautiful girl and beautiful boy - what more could I ever want or need?! Watching them grow and develop into the little characters that they are today has been amazing - but - I haven't always appreciated it.  When your mind is full of demons it can be hard to remember how thankful you are for some things and ...
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Lithium and Toxicity

So, when I was diagnosed I was given a list of treatment options, Lithium being one of them - apparently the most successful at treating Bipolar Disorder - so this is what I chose.  Lithium treatment is a gruelling process and isn't for the faint-hearted.  It is a life-changing treatment option in more ways that one. Prior to starting Lithium, I had blood tests done to ensure my thyroid and kidney function was okay, as this medication can impact upon these things. Once these blood tests came back I was started on 200mg, with weekly blood tests to check the Lithium level in my blood.  Lithium is a drug which has a very narrow therapeutic index - which means that the "space" between the dose that is right for proper effect and the dose that is toxic is very small.  Each week my blood tests came back and I was increased by 200mg until I got to 800mg mid-December.  My blood tests showed that the Lithium level was good and as I hadn't felt much change, Quetiapi...
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Being Diagnosed & Treatment

Following the referral from the GP, I found myself once again in the Mental Health Resource centre waiting to meet with my new Psychiatrist.  I explained for years I knew my depression came in cycles, and I could almost feel the change coming when my mood was spiralling downwards.  I also explained the exuberant spending I would indulge in - with no worry about the consequences.  My constant want to move house (6 times inside the space of 5 years), and my impulsivity at changing cars.  I described my sleep patterns were either excessive or barely at all.  How I continued to feel suffocated by anxiety and my need for routine, structure and my ritual of cleaning. He asked me what I thought was wrong and I said - "I have Bipolar Disorder, Type 2 because my depression is worse than my mania.  With that, I was given a mood diary and a mood scale which I was asked to complete over the course of the following month.  The following...
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Hitting Rock Bottom - Before The Diagnosis Process

In January 2018 after finally breaking free again from the toxic relationship I knew I should never have returned to, I once again didn't feel safe in my own home.  This house was my fresh start following the previous January when I had broken free.  I felt so stupid at letting the person who terrorised me into the home that was my fresh start, a house where only happy memories with my children were to be made.  The sense of relief at finally being free and able to care for my children and be independent is indescribable.  Everything was going well, I was making my way through the final year and enjoyed working on and completing my dissertation.  I was on a high.  Housework is done before the school run, dissertation completed and submitted 2 weeks early and on top of everything for my exams. I began applying for jobs - 40 jobs to be specific, two of which I got an interview for and one which I got the offer of a job which I accepted.  I b...
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The Story Before

This is me; At the time of this picture I was nothing but a 25-year-old woman, with two beautiful and lively children, a First class BSc degree, a home, a car, and a full-time job. These two innocent, beautiful and truly happy faces of my children are the reason I am still here able to be typing this post. Not many people, myself included, could imagine the demons that have haunted that 'happy and contented' smile for over half of my life.  The truth is - I've never felt the "normal" type of happiness and I've never felt the "normal" type of sadness. When I was 14 years old, I decided I couldn't take on the Beast, or demon, or whatever the darkness was inside me and tried to end my life. No one expected it, not even myself.  Laying in a hospital bed vomiting up paracetamol and on a drip, with constant monitoring, I was once again filled with demons and darkness.  I put myself here, it was my fault, I felt like a fake amongst these genuinel...
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