The Beauty and The Beast - Living with Bipolar Disorder

I have always wanted children, always.  After losing my first baby at 17 part of me thought that it would never happen.  I was 18 when I fell pregnant with Lily and I was excited and overwhelmed and scared.  I came off my medication, I stopped self-harming and my pregnancy flew along and my little ray of hope was born.    I couldn't have hoped or wished for a more perfect little girl. I couldn't believe she was mine and I couldn't believe that I was responsible for shaping and bringing up this little fragile but full of life person. Three years later my beautiful boy was born after a difficult and painful pregnancy he restored my hope; I had my beautiful girl and beautiful boy - what more could I ever want or need?! Watching them grow and develop into the little characters that they are today has been amazing - but - I haven't always appreciated it.  When your mind is full of demons it can be hard to remember how thankful you are for some things and ...

So, when I was diagnosed I was given a list of treatment options, Lithium being one of them - apparently the most successful at treating Bipolar Disorder - so this is what I chose.  Lithium treatment is a gruelling process and isn't for the faint-hearted.  It is a life-changing treatment option in more ways that one. Prior to starting Lithium, I had blood tests done to ensure my thyroid and kidney function was okay, as this medication can impact upon these things. Once these blood tests came back I was started on 200mg, with weekly blood tests to check the Lithium level in my blood.  Lithium is a drug which has a very narrow therapeutic index - which means that the "space" between the dose that is right for proper effect and the dose that is toxic is very small.  Each week my blood tests came back and I was increased by 200mg until I got to 800mg mid-December.  My blood tests showed that the Lithium level was good and as I hadn't felt much change, Quetiapi...

Following the referral from the GP, I found myself once again in the Mental Health Resource centre waiting to meet with my new Psychiatrist.  I explained for years I knew my depression came in cycles, and I could almost feel the change coming when my mood was spiralling downwards.  I also explained the exuberant spending I would indulge in - with no worry about the consequences.  My constant want to move house (6 times inside the space of 5 years), and my impulsivity at changing cars.  I described my sleep patterns were either excessive or barely at all.  How I continued to feel suffocated by anxiety and my need for routine, structure and my ritual of cleaning. He asked me what I thought was wrong and I said - "I have Bipolar Disorder, Type 2 because my depression is worse than my mania.  With that, I was given a mood diary and a mood scale which I was asked to complete over the course of the following month.  The following...

In January 2018 after finally breaking free again from the toxic relationship I knew I should never have returned to, I once again didn't feel safe in my own home.  This house was my fresh start following the previous January when I had broken free.  I felt so stupid at letting the person who terrorised me into the home that was my fresh start, a house where only happy memories with my children were to be made.  The sense of relief at finally being free and able to care for my children and be independent is indescribable.  Everything was going well, I was making my way through the final year and enjoyed working on and completing my dissertation.  I was on a high.  Housework is done before the school run, dissertation completed and submitted 2 weeks early and on top of everything for my exams. I began applying for jobs - 40 jobs to be specific, two of which I got an interview for and one which I got the offer of a job which I accepted.  I b...

This is me; At the time of this picture I was nothing but a 25-year-old woman, with two beautiful and lively children, a First class BSc degree, a home, a car, and a full-time job. These two innocent, beautiful and truly happy faces of my children are the reason I am still here able to be typing this post. Not many people, myself included, could imagine the demons that have haunted that 'happy and contented' smile for over half of my life.  The truth is - I've never felt the "normal" type of happiness and I've never felt the "normal" type of sadness. When I was 14 years old, I decided I couldn't take on the Beast, or demon, or whatever the darkness was inside me and tried to end my life. No one expected it, not even myself.  Laying in a hospital bed vomiting up paracetamol and on a drip, with constant monitoring, I was once again filled with demons and darkness.  I put myself here, it was my fault, I felt like a fake amongst these genuinel...